Typical response from pastors to requests to educate church members about domestic violence

Waneta Dawn, Kate Johnson, and I share about our experiences with pastors when they are approached about the topic of Christian response to domestic violence.

Listen to the 11-minute audio HERE (This audio was recorded at the Seneca Falls 2 Christian Conference in Orlando, FL).

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She Says Abuse is Going on? Give Her the Benefit of the Doubt

   One protective battered mother wrote that she wanted the court to order a mental health assessment for her abusive ex-husband. She believed this would show that he needed help, and that he would be court-ordered to get the help he needed. She naively believed the Judge would see that he was not safe for their children to be alone with until he received help for his abusiveness. 

   But the court refused her request.  

   Unless things have changed, this was probably just as well, as it is a sad fact that many batterers score within normal ranges on mental health assessments, and judges know this. 

   This is but one of the symptoms of patriarchal influence that has governed the laws and psychological "norms" of our culture. 

   Pray that this will change.

  Unless another, more easily diagnosable problem exists, wife-beaters  /abusive husbands almost always present normally, not only on psychological assessments, but also to friends and co-workers. Knowing someone for years, does not mean we really know them, and spouse abusers are very good at hiding their abuse, isolating their victims, and even influencing friends and acquaintances to suspect their wives may be liars or mentally unstable.

   Abusers are master manipulators of their self images. 

  Among other things (fear, economic and child custody concerns), often because of loyalty, hope for things to get better, and also to avoid social censure, abused Christian wives almost always collude with their abusers [at least for a while--sometimes for years] to hide what is going on. 

      Only about 25% percent of abuse claims prove to be false, and this usually happens in child custody disputes with the lying parent going to the court with the fabrication--not to their pastor or friends. Statistics show that fathers suing for custody are just as likely to make false claims as mothers, so discounting the story of a woman who finally becomes desperate enough to escape her violent or abusive situation is not an option when dealing compassionately and biblically with the sin of domestic violence. 

   When she approaches her pastor, friend, or family member, seeking help, give her the benefit of the doubt--even if you know her husband, and the story seems unbelievable. 

   Her life, safety, and the safety of her children could depend on it.

Domestic Violence: Jocelyn Andersen Talks about her Experience and Insights

Added this interview to Hungry Hearts Radio to play once every day. I don't know of another  Christian Radio station that streams as many resources to help those trapped in abusive relationships or for those they are most likely to turn to for help (Heads-up, there is a glitch in the audio a few minutes into it, but hang on for a few moments. It corrects itself and comes back loud and clear for the rest of the interview [also, my apologies for the Geico ad--couldn't remove it).

Click HERE to Listen

Should I get a Restraining Order?

Battered Christian women are sometimes discouraged from seeking orders of protection against abusive husbands, by being told that restraining orders are of little to no value as far as protection goes.    

   But this is not true.

Listen to audio of this post here....

   While it is true, injunctions are often not helpful in the immediate midst of an attack (unless the police just happen to already be there), without a restraining order, the police will not answer a call for help until "after" the physical attack has occurred—by which time the victim may not be able to call for help at all, possibly being too severely injured or even dead.

   With a protective order in place, potential victims can call for help the moment they see the danger coming—before an attack takes place.

   This, is the life-saving value of injunction. It is protection by prevention.

   So, if you are being threatened by a violent spouse or significant other, do not listen to anyone who tries to discourage you from protecting yourself. Get that Restraining Order, now! 

Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, is for anyone experiencing domestic violence or marital abuse. It is also for those they are most likely to turn to for help—family, friends, pastors, etc.... The Christian woman whose spirit is being crushed and life possibly endangered by domestic violence is faced with a unique burden, and she needs straight answers—not unrealistic expectations or clichéd, stereotypical platitudes. In this book, she will get straight answers, clear scriptural direction, and some tough challenges from one who has been there but is there no longer.

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Female Autonomy: An Escalating Factor in Domestic Violence and Abuse

Nevertheless [even though you cannot fully comprehend this] so love everyone after the manner [of Christ and] particularly love your wives even as yourselves [and wives to fear[1] husbands]--Ephesians 5:33

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[1] The Greek word translated reverence or respect, in this verse, is phobeō. This is the root of the English word, phobia (fear). Examples of New Testament scriptures where the word “respect” would have been just as appropriate, if not more so, [than translating the Greek word, phobeō, as reverence] include: Matthew 21:37, Mark 12:6, Luke 20:13, and Hebrews 12:9. Another option is to translate the word with its most literal meaning of, “fear.” In Ephesians chapter six, Paul admonished slaves to fear and tremble before their lords. He was not advocating slavery. This advice stemmed from concern for their physical safety, and despite the egalitarianism of the early church, wives were in just as much physical danger from husbands as slaves were from masters. During that time, there was no legal recourse for women against domestic violence, and nothing but moral constraint to prevent husbands from beating wives. Sadly, history has shown that moral constraints without legal clout, often prove inadequate in protecting women from marital violence 

Ephesians 6:5 Slaves obey lords according to the flesh with fear and trembling[1] in singleness of your hearts as [to] Christ

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[1] The apostle meant what he said to Christian slaves about fear and trembling before their masters. Slaves were considered sub-human, and Roman Lords could do anything they liked with their slaves. They could harm or kill them in any manner they chose. Paul was not condoning slavery, when he wrote this, but rather he was intent on the physical safety of those in his congregations who were slaves. 

A side-note about wives must be inserted here as well. The standing of women, in Roman society and in Jewish Tradition, was only slightly higher than that of slaves (women were honored and respected in the Hebrew scriptures, but not in the Tradition’s [Jesus had nothing good to say about the Traditions]), so Paul would have been greatly concerned for the physical safety of the wives in his congregations as well. Christian women of the first century, experienced an equality of the sexes almost unheard of in all of history, either before or after that era, and this would certainly pose a serious physical threat to wives of violent controlling husbands. Such men would show little or no tolerance of wives who dared to exhibit autonomy. This liberty among early Christians would naturally have the effect of escalating tension and violence would have increased in such marriages. The apostle knew this, and also that there was no legal recourse for either Jewish or Roman wives in cases of marital violence, hence his advice in Ephesians chapter five, for wives to fear (usually translated respect or reverence) their husbands.  

The commentary above is an excerpt from the Hungry Hearts Online Bible Commentary HHBC

Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, is for anyone experiencing domestic abuse or violence, and also for those they are most likely to turn to for help--family, friends, pastors, etc... The evangelical Christian woman whose spirit is being crushed and life possibly endangered by domestic violence is faced with a unique burden. She needs straight answers--not unrealistic expectations or clichéd, stereotypical platitudes. In this book, she will get straight answers, clear scriptural direction, and some tough challenges from one who has been there but is there no longer.